Mirror, Mirror

I have been wanting to post something less arty for a while. Looking at the last several posts it looks like I have been indulging in some shameless self promotion. Still not one of the seven deadly sins… or no wait I think it would count as pride. Screw it, I’m an atheist. Pride it up.

Anyways…

I find myself rather content with my lot at the moment. I have plans. I am slowly carrying them out what with having a day job and needing to pay the mortgage and feed the cat. There are some days I would even call myself HAPPY as if I know what that means.

For me it means having now. Not worrying about the future or brooding about the past. If I can put myself purely into the moment whatever I am doing then my heart becomes light and I can feel free.

There are days when I wake up and wish there were someone next to me but I am not quite ready to settle for just anyone in that position. I don’t feel that void. I don’t think I ever have. Maybe it is a lack in me. Maybe I have always felt so loved by my family that I have never felt a need to anchor myself to someone else. Or have someone anchor themselves to me. I realize that a kindred spirit is not just going to fall into my lap. That I will have to work for that. But right now? I guess I am feeling a little bit selfish with my time.

I have pretty much accepted the fact that I am going to be on the meds for the rest of my life but I am not attributing my more frequent and lengthier periods of cheerfulness solely to this chemical intervention. I built on the therapy and coping mechanisms and everyday I look in the mirror and ask myself “how are we doing today?”

The answer isn’t always positive and in the last three months I have had a couple downright dark moments. But I still drag myself out of bed to look in that mirror and ask myself that question. If the answer is negative I ask myself what I am going to do about it. If it is positive I ask myself why.

It is hard work and I still tend to reclusivity. This worries my mum. I have always been like that though. Happy in my own company. I spend my days in a gregarious friendly office and that seems to be enough at the moment. I go through phases.

I still feel like there is something I should be doing that I am not. That is the problem with a comfortable life. But it does not stop me from doing. This feeling used to paralyze me. I just get on with doing what I love and find that there are not enough hours in the day to get it all done.

I have come to terms with my ordinary-ness. Yeah I know we are all beautiful and unique snowflakes blah blah blah… but really we aren’t except to the people who love us. I have a lot of people who love me but more importantly, these days, I have started to see that beauty in myself in all my mediocre glory.

Pride it up indeed!