Closure

Murry's ashes were put to rest a week ago Saturday and a new tree was planted in his memory. It is a Snow Gum and is surrounded by catnip out in my garden. So at least part of him will live and grow in the world as he will live for ever in my heart.

I also feel at this time that the Fur Pile as a project has come to a natural end. It was started as a recovery blog and I feel that, although I will be dealing with depression for the rest of my life, the goal of recovery has been achieved and I can move on with my life and other projects.

I will be leaving the Fur Pile up for people who might benefit from an insight into depression and the recovery process and I might revisit it from time to time but I would like to open a NEW project and I hope that if you are reading this and have been a reader of my blog you will join me here:

Not What I Seem

I am still setting it up but the first post is there. It will be different from the Fur Pile but it is still even-star.

Thank you so much for visiting the Fur Pile through the years (YEARS!) and I look forward to your vists at my new home.

Sincere love and best wishes

even-star

In Memoriam

Murry

??/??/???? - 09/06/2008

Sleep softly dear friend

While I live, you will not die

Murry was euthanized yesterday at 9:10 in the morning. It was very peaceful and painless. It was the last and only thing I could do for him to show him how much I loved him.

My heart is broken

I Has Pineapple

Just eating m' lunch and thought I would do a post before someone comes and hassels me. I have some Del Monte pineapple rings for dessert today. U R Gellus.

I know I have been slack on posting. This is down to busyness at work, Murry being terminally ill, and me being a lazy bum art-wise. So really there have been no posts because there is not much to post about. Which I don't mind after recalling several choice ancient chinese proverbs.

The lazy bum thing isn't exactly true. I am working on a project but it isn't very exciting. It is a cross stitch wedding sampler for my cousine who is getting married in August. I am going to the wedding you see so I don't have to mail it which means I can frame it up nice and carry it with me. It isn't exactly creatively challenging but some how just what I need right now. I find that cross stitch has a lot of zen potential for me. During some of my worst episodes it saved my brain from asploding. There is the right balance of activity, concentration, and stillness in it that can produce an almost trance-like state.

I had plans waaaaaaay back last year when I got my wedding invite to do an original design but with one thing and another time got away from me. I had to opt for a bought design as there just was not enough time to do a design AND stitch it. I am quite pleased with it though.

It is a large piece of work and to get it done in time for the wedding I have to devote just about all my spare time after work to getting a certain number of squares stitched each day. It is no hardship for me to be doing something special for my cousine but I am starting to miss some of my regular pursuits. I take a break at weekends to spend time in the garden or walk in the woods and enjoy the time I have left with Murry.

I bought some oven firing ceramic paints last month and I have not even TOUCHED them because I have been doing this thing. My ideas are starting to pile up so I might commune with my sketch book this week to make sure none of them escape!

Negative Prognosis

The cancerous growth Murry had that was removed in November has returned.

It is inoperable and there is nothing (humane) that can be done for him.

It will be a matter of weeks but right now he is still himself and not in pain.

We had a very honest chat about it and I said that the minute he has had enough he is to come and tell me. He won't go alone.

So until that time comes we are going to enjoy the time we have. He is getting chicken twice a day and all the catnip he can handle.

So I will not be posting very regularly for a while.

Work In Progress: Sexy Sampler

Mirror, Mirror

I have been wanting to post something less arty for a while. Looking at the last several posts it looks like I have been indulging in some shameless self promotion. Still not one of the seven deadly sins… or no wait I think it would count as pride. Screw it, I’m an atheist. Pride it up.

Anyways…

I find myself rather content with my lot at the moment. I have plans. I am slowly carrying them out what with having a day job and needing to pay the mortgage and feed the cat. There are some days I would even call myself HAPPY as if I know what that means.

For me it means having now. Not worrying about the future or brooding about the past. If I can put myself purely into the moment whatever I am doing then my heart becomes light and I can feel free.

There are days when I wake up and wish there were someone next to me but I am not quite ready to settle for just anyone in that position. I don’t feel that void. I don’t think I ever have. Maybe it is a lack in me. Maybe I have always felt so loved by my family that I have never felt a need to anchor myself to someone else. Or have someone anchor themselves to me. I realize that a kindred spirit is not just going to fall into my lap. That I will have to work for that. But right now? I guess I am feeling a little bit selfish with my time.

I have pretty much accepted the fact that I am going to be on the meds for the rest of my life but I am not attributing my more frequent and lengthier periods of cheerfulness solely to this chemical intervention. I built on the therapy and coping mechanisms and everyday I look in the mirror and ask myself “how are we doing today?”

The answer isn’t always positive and in the last three months I have had a couple downright dark moments. But I still drag myself out of bed to look in that mirror and ask myself that question. If the answer is negative I ask myself what I am going to do about it. If it is positive I ask myself why.

It is hard work and I still tend to reclusivity. This worries my mum. I have always been like that though. Happy in my own company. I spend my days in a gregarious friendly office and that seems to be enough at the moment. I go through phases.

I still feel like there is something I should be doing that I am not. That is the problem with a comfortable life. But it does not stop me from doing. This feeling used to paralyze me. I just get on with doing what I love and find that there are not enough hours in the day to get it all done.

I have come to terms with my ordinary-ness. Yeah I know we are all beautiful and unique snowflakes blah blah blah… but really we aren’t except to the people who love us. I have a lot of people who love me but more importantly, these days, I have started to see that beauty in myself in all my mediocre glory.

Pride it up indeed!

Sea Foam Pearl Miser

A broach crochet'ed and beaded by hand. Soon to be for sale:

A little known or seen creature who swims in the shallows stealing pearls from unwary oysters.